I know, I suck. I've neglected this blog like crazy, but it's not because I don't love all of you...
Some of you may remember that in my last blog post I had mentioned that I was coming up to another big crossroads in my life, and well.... I may have survived. Most of my posts have related to my life in Doha thus far, and about my changing relationship with Islam. The past few months have witnessed a changing relationship with myself as a result of changing relationships with individuals, and that's the type of heavy shit I don't feel like sharing with the world. Except that I just did.
I feel that since I came back from Colorado to Doha in February that my life in this chaotic city has taken on a whole new shape. I'm feeling much more comfortable in my own skin, and I finally feel as if I can relax and connect with people. I was so shut off during my first three months in Doha. I couldn't let people in, and I actively worked to shut many people out (Sorry if I shut you out, anyone <3 )
I'm normally a total loner when it comes to people, and I'm not one to spearhead any new relationships. For those hippie-dippy suckers like me that buy into astrology: I'm a cancer, and I will freaking snap at you to stay away until I think I can trust you. Under this big hard, pointy shell I'm just a big gooey mush of crab guts, though.
Since I came to Doha, I've been looking to start branching out and meeting the "who's who" of my field (incidentally very easy to do in Doha), and I've had to transform myself from a boondocks-bred, hay bail slinging, blue-eyed convert, into an academic-type, professional bullshitter, donning plastic smiles in order to shake hands with the people I've got to know. I don't blame them, they're all brilliant minds who work much harder than I do, and who really know their shit. Sometimes, I feel like if we all shut up and listened to some of these people who actually have a brain, we could solve all the world's problems. But then I remember that the world is overwhelmingly populated by idiots... And I resign myself to brooding and blogging.
The first few months of this newfound semi-professional legitimacy had me love-drunk on the prospect that I could have the opportunity to be like these people... I could have the recognition and the freedom of the ivory-tower academics. I saw the path to a PhD and academia start to unfold beneath me... and I came to realize...
Fuck that.
I am not content to resign myself to the academic ivory-tower, as appealing as it has the potential to be. I love the idea of being able to rely on my mental capabilities, and to be recognized for your thoughtful contributions and postulations on the nature of politics/society/economics or whatever. But I just don't think that that's for me. From the time I was about 16, whenever people would ask me what I wanted to do with my life, my stock response was "I'm going to save the world," followed by a wry grin.
Academics don't save the world. They postulate on it. They talk about it with other academics behind closed doors and hope that some drops of the leftover wisdom might trickle down into the mouths of the people who need it most.
But we are still thirsty.
I have always adhered to the idea that street smarts trump book smarts, and I don't think that anyone can really have lived their life when they've spent it immersed in print. On the final day of judgment, the volume of work you may have produced, or the PhDs that you have, or who you know that's important will do you no good. The more I immerse myself in the unending task of pursuing a degree I'm not even convinced that I want, the more I realize that I am distancing myself from the true human experience. Every day spent climbing the steps of this ivory tower takes me farther up and away from the people in which I can see God so clearly.
I've only ever told one person, and now I'm telling the whole damn interwebz this crazy theory I have that I can see God in the faces of people. Since we were all created by Him, He has left pieces of Himself in us, and they shine through. In an honest smile, an insecure glance, or in the shining eyes of your new lover... God is reflected.
I have to be amongst the people. I cannot continue along this trajectory without remembering first who I am and what I feel the need to do to make this world a better place (before I die in a plane crash over the North Atlantic ocean someday. Mark my words, this is how I'm going out).
Again, this is all just ranting and raving... Consider it the musings of a crazy mind and nothing more.
Peace and love always <3
Some of you may remember that in my last blog post I had mentioned that I was coming up to another big crossroads in my life, and well.... I may have survived. Most of my posts have related to my life in Doha thus far, and about my changing relationship with Islam. The past few months have witnessed a changing relationship with myself as a result of changing relationships with individuals, and that's the type of heavy shit I don't feel like sharing with the world. Except that I just did.
I feel that since I came back from Colorado to Doha in February that my life in this chaotic city has taken on a whole new shape. I'm feeling much more comfortable in my own skin, and I finally feel as if I can relax and connect with people. I was so shut off during my first three months in Doha. I couldn't let people in, and I actively worked to shut many people out (Sorry if I shut you out, anyone <3 )
I'm normally a total loner when it comes to people, and I'm not one to spearhead any new relationships. For those hippie-dippy suckers like me that buy into astrology: I'm a cancer, and I will freaking snap at you to stay away until I think I can trust you. Under this big hard, pointy shell I'm just a big gooey mush of crab guts, though.
Since I came to Doha, I've been looking to start branching out and meeting the "who's who" of my field (incidentally very easy to do in Doha), and I've had to transform myself from a boondocks-bred, hay bail slinging, blue-eyed convert, into an academic-type, professional bullshitter, donning plastic smiles in order to shake hands with the people I've got to know. I don't blame them, they're all brilliant minds who work much harder than I do, and who really know their shit. Sometimes, I feel like if we all shut up and listened to some of these people who actually have a brain, we could solve all the world's problems. But then I remember that the world is overwhelmingly populated by idiots... And I resign myself to brooding and blogging.
The first few months of this newfound semi-professional legitimacy had me love-drunk on the prospect that I could have the opportunity to be like these people... I could have the recognition and the freedom of the ivory-tower academics. I saw the path to a PhD and academia start to unfold beneath me... and I came to realize...
Fuck that.
I am not content to resign myself to the academic ivory-tower, as appealing as it has the potential to be. I love the idea of being able to rely on my mental capabilities, and to be recognized for your thoughtful contributions and postulations on the nature of politics/society/economics or whatever. But I just don't think that that's for me. From the time I was about 16, whenever people would ask me what I wanted to do with my life, my stock response was "I'm going to save the world," followed by a wry grin.
Academics don't save the world. They postulate on it. They talk about it with other academics behind closed doors and hope that some drops of the leftover wisdom might trickle down into the mouths of the people who need it most.
But we are still thirsty.
I have always adhered to the idea that street smarts trump book smarts, and I don't think that anyone can really have lived their life when they've spent it immersed in print. On the final day of judgment, the volume of work you may have produced, or the PhDs that you have, or who you know that's important will do you no good. The more I immerse myself in the unending task of pursuing a degree I'm not even convinced that I want, the more I realize that I am distancing myself from the true human experience. Every day spent climbing the steps of this ivory tower takes me farther up and away from the people in which I can see God so clearly.
I've only ever told one person, and now I'm telling the whole damn interwebz this crazy theory I have that I can see God in the faces of people. Since we were all created by Him, He has left pieces of Himself in us, and they shine through. In an honest smile, an insecure glance, or in the shining eyes of your new lover... God is reflected.
I have to be amongst the people. I cannot continue along this trajectory without remembering first who I am and what I feel the need to do to make this world a better place (before I die in a plane crash over the North Atlantic ocean someday. Mark my words, this is how I'm going out).
Again, this is all just ranting and raving... Consider it the musings of a crazy mind and nothing more.
Peace and love always <3
You could always avoid the Atlantic and fly East to get home over the Pacific........
ReplyDeleteI will definitely start doing that when I feel the time's getting near :P
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